Idon’t recall when it was, or even how I managed to get hold of the movie, but I was quite young when I watched Arthur Penn’s Bonnie and Clyde. And I was instantly fascinated by Faye Dunaway. She was the definition of female beauty for me – that’s until Monica Bellucci came along and won me over. Faye was enchanting. Yes, she now looks like a famished version of Pamela Anderson – and I don’t quite admire Miss, ehm, ‘Well-Endowed’ so much. But, back in her prime, Faye was a Goddess. Watching Bonnie and Clyde, I would flinch uncomfortably when Warren Beatty would have an intimate scene with Faye. I’d feel anger inside – and, as most young boys would feel, I felt like beating the holy crap out of Beatty. Oh wait, where am I going with this?

The point is that Bonnie and Clyde – the movie – was based on the famous criminal duo of Bonnie Elizabeth Parker and Clyde Chestnut Barrow. It is said that Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were the first celebrity criminals of modern times. Bonnie was a talented girl. No, not talented in the way you’re imagining her to be – but, come to think of it, she indeed was talented in indulging in criminal activity. Bonnie was an amateur poet, and worked as a waitress. But, her life did a summersault when, in January 1930, she met Clyde and they embarked on a journey of crime.

Eventually, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were killed following an intense gun battle on May 21, 1934. They were driving ‘some’ car when they came under attack. Now imagine if that car had been a 3 Series BMW of today – a 320d at that. After all, the 320d is fast, it handles beautifully, and, best of all, is a diesel – so it would have given Bonnie and Clyde the pace and range to outrun the chasing law enforcement.

On a separate note, I must be honest, I never expected BMW of all manufacturers to do a diesel. But, in keeping with times, they did – and we’re all the better for it, because they make some cracking diesel engines. At the same time, they’re running the ‘green’ marathon by plastering their cars with the EfficientDynamics moniker.

But, getting back to the topic at hand, the 3 Series is not as outlandish as say the previous generation 5 Series or the current 1 Series – for the simple reason that BMW can’t afford to go wrong with a car that globally makes up for 60% of its sales. So, the design guys in Germany kept the 3 Series looking relatively simple and unassuming. Good, because Bonnie and Clyde could go unsuspected. But, is it too simplistic? I think so. We parked both the 3 and 5 in a crowded spot in Old Delhi, and no one gave either a second glance. The previous generation 5 was good at turning heads – not so any of the current BMWs, except the X6 maybe. But that turns heads because it’s ugly.

The 320d and the 520d have the same engines, but they feel vastly different from behind the wheel. The 320d is hard. It feels
connected to the road, and the whole car pivots around your bottom. The engine note is unsympathetic – even rough in comparison to the 520d – and the steering is more mechanical. It feels as if the 3 is riding on telepathic suspension, and the car responds to the steering input with the urgency of a life-saving emergency operation. It feels like a proper driver’s car. It’s a great canvas on which to paint driving purity on.

Till a few years ago, cracking 160km/h with a diesel engine was a long shot, but with modern engines, 300 looks as easy as
cracking a groundnut. The 2.0 litre, 181bhp engine in the 3 works magically, and is smile-inducing on open roads. I’ve often been vocal about my attraction to 6-speed gearboxes. I think 6 ratios are perfect, in any car – and the 6-speed in the 3 works perfectly in sync with the sporty nature of the car. The initial thrust is unimaginable, and a hundred clicks is achieved in a little over 7 seconds. And that’s quite unlike how the 5 behaves.

The 5 Series is a car that Zelda Sayre would have kept as her personal transport. Early 20th century saw many wannabe laureates and writers shoot to fame. Zelda was one of them. An aspiring writer, she lived an extravagant and glamorous life after getting married to F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1920. The 5 Series, it seems, was created to match the lavish standards of Zelda. It exists as a synonym to words like cosseting and opulent.

The previous gen 5 Series was rather hardcore. It was a focussed car that had a no-nonsense approach towards motoring. It loved corners – it was a boredom basher. The E60 was epic. The current generation of the 5 Series (F10/F11) is noticeably softer than the version it replaces. The suspension is made of heaps of cotton, and the steering is as light as a feather. It stands at the opposite end of the spectrum, and shows the 3 Series an upturned nose – rightfully so. The 5 Series is a comfortable sofa that moves at astonishing speeds, which is supremely isolated from everything outside of its cabin. The 8-speed automatic transmission is what makes it wildly different from the 3 Series – as does everything else really, if you think about it. The diesel engine is the only link in the chain, or else the two cars would be poles apart.

Designed by a bloke named P.H. McFlagger, the 5 Series can best be described as being subtle. It makes the most gentle of statements, and can get lost in a crowd if you so desire. It sure is fast, but the process of gaining speed isn’t as momentous as in the 3 Series. The 5 moves swiftly, and the 8-speed affair keeps all the noise and vibrations at bay. It’s about 200 kilograms heavier than the 3 Series, so one would forgive it for being slower by a second to 100km/h.

What I should be doing now is filling space by writing about the interiors and the sheer comfort that the 5 Series offers, and not about all this engine and handling nonsense. Because the 5 Series is all the car you would ever need. It’s spacious, has great seats, and NVH levels are lower than a whisper. It’s a perfect car to lounge in –in fact, it’s so comfortable that I actually dozed off in it while waiting for my colleagues to turn up for the photo shoot. Brilliant!

The 3 Series is one of my favourite cars in our land – it’s perfectly sized, handles impeccably, and, in 320d guise, has an engine that will not only get you wherever you want to go very fast indeed, but will also save you some dosh while it’s at it. The 5, on the other hand, is just an extremely comfortable car. Sure, it shares the 2 litre engine with the 320d, but the characteristic of that engine changes completely depending on which engine bay cradles it. Where the 3 is brutal, vocal, and impatient, the 5 is more mature, sober, and better behaved.

Bonnie & Clyde and Zelda Sayre had the same heart towards their work, but they were completely different in what they did. The 3 and 5 are the Bonnie & Clyde and Zelda of cars.

I’d like to have an accommodating partner like the 5 Series, but the criminal 3 Series would be more enjoyable. Heck, as if life wasn’t complicated enough!