As a kid – actually, also as a grown-up – you would certainly have experienced several theme parties. So, one day you go, do a lot of hunting around, lighten your wallet happily and finally hop into your friend’s house to realize that you’re the only pig around. Everyone else is basically smartly dressed – men in sharp tuxedos and ladies in sensuous flowing evening gowns. The central theme was changed from ‘animal’ to a ‘gentlemen & lady’ sort of an affair. But, of course, you were busy checking yourself out in the mirror while trying on that deer dress, or worse still, the pig outfit that you finally bought.

You still don’t flinch, and enter with confidence. You carry the funny appearance with sublime ease, and actually get a lot of pats on your shoulder for being brave enough to do so. You carry on, and take that atrocious moment with you. Courageous stuff – but that’s possible only if you’re French. No, I’m serious – it’s happened to Renault in the past. And Renault is a French company.

This party of trick SUVs and full-blown ‘trucks’ – even pseudo ones that we now call soft-roaders – back in the day was full of tall, strong-chinned, square-faced vehicles. But, of course, the French were left out of the update and they joined in late with the Koleos. The previous generation model was a funny looking thing – had a silly face basically. It was a lot like being Donatella Versace – it had great proportions, but the face was just a bit, ehm, weird.

But Donatella is now a thing of past. And the world has moved on the likes of Keira Knightley and Eva Mendes. A gorgeous face and scintillating curves, both are a must. And that’s where the Koleos comes in. Of course, Nissan still thinks that being a women wrestler is quite cool, that’s why the X-Trail. But look at Chevy, they do the Captiva, and I think it’s rather charming – got a nice voluptuous stance to it. Honda went wrong and ruined the CR-V with that hideous front-end. And the two bestsellers – Ford and Toyota – are still fighting manly battles in the Victorian era. The odd one out is the German. The BMW X1 isn’t particularly stylish or SUV-ish, neither is it desperately capable. But it’s a classic case of brand equity. You’d still want to watch a film just because it says that Demi Moore or Julia Roberts stars in it. Neither celebrity is probably as attractive as their younger, more ‘enhanced,’ rivals. But they’ve created a halo around their name – they’re brands.

The Koleos is a nicely proportioned car, and looks vastly better with its recent aesthetic nip-and-tuck. The front end gets a grille section that’s pronounced, but not loud at the same time. The rest of the shape essentially remains unchanged from the previous generation, and that’s a good thing. I like the rear end a lot. And it’s a practical vehicle too – split tailgate is a nice thing to have, and there are lots of cubby holes inside the cabin to store your small stuff. But, one thing that surprised me was the fact that there’s more branding for Bose on the car than anything else! I call it the Renault Bose. I mean, why the need to sticker it with Bose on the outside even when it’s not a special edition for Bose? Well, whatever – at the end of the day the ‘Bose’ audio unit sounds simply amazing.

I mean, at this point, I basically get more interested in the way a car drives, but grant me just one sentence to dedicate to the audio system – it’s a blockbuster. Sure, I’ve heard many impressive entertainment units in high-end cars, but the Koleos manages to match, even beat, some of them at a price that’s basically half of those high-end cars. Speaking of price – I think the Koleos is perched a bit high up. A couple of lakhs less and it could have been the perfect value proposition.

The Koleos is an X-Trail in a party frock. The underpinnings are capable, and doing a drive to your farmhouse is an easy thing. The approach road to the brilliant resort that Renault had put us up in was nothing short of – well, let’s just say that it wasn’t really a road. Still, the Koleos managed it without a hint of discomfort and the ride quality – both on and off road – was sensational. The engine is sufficiently powerful for such a vehicle, but you’re not going to be doing impressive light-to-light sprints. The gearbox, however, is a letdown. It’s like the guard at my society – extremely lazy.

The Renault Bose, sorry Koleos, is in tough territory. Charm alone might not work – but the fact is that the Koleos is not just charm, but also functionality. And this should work in its favour. Meanwhile, Donatella means you lads at Renault have a good sense of humour, but thank you for also giving us Eva Mendes.